today i painted the star tarot. i messed up the varnish and also wasnt happy with the finished product so i took off the paint. fortunately, i captured a photo before i did all that.

its an opportunity to do it better, to get it right. its an experience.

im practicing being more certain about things. im practicing patience. i am practicing creation.

today felt weird. it felt bad, honestly. i cant really tell you why. its probably just ptsd

boredom and stress have been my two emotions. i welcome the boredom. i welcome rest and thought. and despite it all, i try to remain patient and grateful.

heres a question i have for ny observers. are u impressed or are u envious? today somebody said they envied my costume. today someone said they were impressed with my emotional maturity. this is a genuine question. whats really the difference? i dont know.

the universe is my greatest friend. the spirit within me never wavers. the spiders see through me.

am i losing parts of myself in an attempt to become whole?

i waver. my sight is blocked. i am my own worst enemy

let me observe. i yearn to watch. i yearn to have company who loves me unconditionally and amused by the people around me. i want to observe, study, anaylze and then create. its hard to catch my cues. its hard to try to be perfect. i am not.

this entry is about yearning, hardship and practice. i am learning what rest is.