i woke up today in clothes that weren't my own and memories that i didn't experience

i went to put on my overalls and they smelt of cat piss

i didn't have any clothes that didn't make me dysphoric

i became dysfunctional but manic

i cleaned as much as i could of my space and my clothes

it took a minute to recollect ourselves, but then we did...

my dream was delirious. i like to try to remember them all through out the day. i haven't been lucid in a dream in so long. it's all delirium.

i feel confined in a space. i feel grief so intensely. i feel uncomfortable with intimacy

that's the main takeaway, that subconciously there is so much there that i get locked into delirium and absurdism...

these platforms of dreams are what i try to observe the most and the way they feel.

there are repeating locations but for me, inside a system, all of them seem to be very similar

I know that's not the case for everybody in the system

i am interacting with my headmates in our dreams and sometimes it is so scary

there are hundreds of them and the ones that change shape are the scariest ones who keep me trapped in the delirium and PTSD

i wonder what i can do about this?

i think that they are just trying to prepare me of what could happen because they are scared

i need to be assertive, but in my dreams i am so tired and dysregulated...

what do i need to do? to escape this? i just need to go through

i need to talk to them, those headmates that change form ... that seek patterns of abuse...

they are parts of me compartmentalized. the rooms in my dreams that were once empty are filling with people.

how do they morph so easily? there's something inherently terrifying about it

my psychotic delusions lead me to believe it is something after me,,, but i know that they are just manifestations of my own fear. i think i know that

there are a few which are distinct ... which feel seperate from me ...

but maybe that's just the way plurality is. and they are seperate parts of me but still manifestations of archetypes from within.

why do they manifest in that way? why can't they just leave me alone!

i need to choose to love and forgive them. i need to choose to work together. i need to let go of my grasp on fear

it's easier said than done . it's hard to let go . especially in this enviroment, it always comes back .

i've done it before. so many times and i had clarity. was the clarity false?

i've been lucid before and interacted directly with the dream and it seemed to work with me. why now is this bubbling back up?

maybe it's the fact i'm working with other people and sharing my dreams... i must let go of so much more grief and shame that is projected onto me than i would sharing them on my own

it will pass. i just need to keep creating.