Dreamlog Weekly, 3rd week of July

CW: DREAMS ARE DISTURBING
BODY HORROR, SEXUAL ABUSE, PSYCHOSIS

Dreamlog

july 16th
Voice log 1:27 pm
Recorded that I did realize I was dreaming. The only stimuli I could recall was walls, people, orange and light brown. I never recalled anything else

july 17th
voice log revised
I first remember being at a festival with a few friends. I did a tab of acid and my friend's convinced me to not do anymore. I was getting bored while coming up and found a couple to interact with, a transmasc with a kid. Then I felt myself coming up. To the point where I fall asleep within the dream. I am inside an abandoned building but there is also this community space. I'm sitting there talking to this big girl with goth makeup. My friend was talking to her first but then she begins talking to me. She holds on to me and I really like it. Other friends are there and we are all just talking. I remain in that comfortable feeling for a bit. I remember the visual of seeing the abandoned buildings near us.
Then I am exploring my elemenatry school. I'm very high. I see Cirron, a kid from my elementary school and I give him a hug. I see a couple other old peers, I guess their names wrong. They were these 2 kids who had the same name. Then I get it right. Then realize both of their hair is bleached blonde.
I'm back in the classroom. ''I'm being a very annoying kid, always was''. I'm in the middle of the room now and start breaking physics. I am using the table as a trampoline and bounce high enough to reach the ceiling. I grab on and tear the ceiling like fabric. I wrap the fabric of the platform into me and begin to fall through the air. I hear the wind against my ears and against my skin. I'm trying to imagine where I want to go, and I land in this mountain city scape. I run to try to catch the trolley and then I keep running. I run as if I have goat feet. I'm running out of energy but I can run. I'm able to manifest wings. Flight isn't the wings. I am able to imagine myself flying higher as I say the word ''Wing''.
Then, I am out of that part. I am on top of the ceiling of the other dream again. I say to myself, I can submerge whatever I want. This cup of liquid appears. The liquid feels the same as the platform did before. Interesting. I put one of my arms into it and pull it out, I put my other arm into it and pull it out, then I pour the liquid onto myself. To submerge myself into this reality shapeshifting. Then I wake up. None of that was akin to reality at all.

july 18th
text log revised
I woke up over the course of 2 hours. I remember a false memory of breaking my phone and it shattering. I wonder if it's something my brain made to internalize potentional trauma in order to respond quicker and I'm supose to fully internalize these instead of pulling them out. Dear Web...(as in dear god)

july 19th
journal log revised
I remember being in a big house and trying to make plans to keep our residency. I made a deal with a tenant, who was very visually interesting looking back on it. It was an older black guy with a grey beard spanning to the sides of his face. My argument when I was trying to convince him was extremely animated and expressive and we shook hands on it. Then I could hear my friend screaming from across town. Screaming in anger and rage. I went to go find her in these parking garage tunnels in the city. It was like she was clipping through the floor. I think I tried speaking to her but any effort in communication was failed. On my way back to the house a skinhead lookin' older white guy threatened to rape me. I woke up in distress and intrusive harmful PTSD-fueled thoughts stuck with me for a long time after.

july 20th
no record

july 21st
voice and text log revised trolley, school, structures... half-lucid sandbox dream

july 22nd
text log revised

ended up being very long and disturbing in different ways

I'm on the trolley to the west coast and the people in the trolley are speaking collectively, including myself, but not the conductor. I am in a car traveling with a couple (Rose and Sunny) and their cat. The cat is black and white. In the dream, I seem to think this must be a childhood cat Darth Kittius but this is a girl cat so it's not. It's hard to handle the cat and Sunny keeps driving like crazy. We keep stopping in the middle of the road or the car is bouncing or something and I'm having to hold on to the cat's leash so she doesn't run away. Observational note, is that Sunny is driving on the right side of the vechile and the stimulu memory of the cat is probably from traveling with my friend's cat, Tequila Sunset.
I also remember a scene where I am in an airport or hospital security type room? And I have the cat with me.
At some point I am in my childhood house and I go around and out because I realize I'm lucid in the middle of this absurdity. I find a girl's house and I think I'll ask her for help but get distracted checking the structure of the dream. I also check the function of the locks. Finding that I can lock the door but now the door opens into an apartment hallway instead of my childhood street and then turns into a WalMart when I go into the hallway. I find Rose again, and I propose getting another cat. I think she agrees then holds me strangely and I am not into it.

Observations

I felt very disturbed this week and still have some difficulty pulling out a dream on bad days. Lucidity is once or twice every week. Manifesting shape during lucidity is very... bad still. I could feel and flap my wings but they felt malformed. I could run very fast for a short burst of time. I mantain the goal of dancing into new shapes, I think I would find that joyful. I am still working through a lot of trauma and I release all shame.